Matthew Horncastle wants to sell me a measly box. I already own a Mansion

OPINION: Matthew Horncastle says he wants to “sell houses to everyone” which sounds wonderfully democratic until you remember that some of us are already quite comfortable with the type of house we have.

In my case, Mr Horncastle, I already own a mansion. Not an efficiently designed urban dwelling, and certainly not one of those places where the dining table appears to have been measured with a microscope. I mean a proper mansion, with enough room to wander around aimlessly and occasionally wonder which part of the house I am actually in.

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So naturally, I have questions.

Why would I surrender all that glorious and completely unnecessary space for a measly little box? Horncastle sounds like a salesman trying to convince us that smaller somehow means smarter, provided you throw in some flattering lighting, a tasteful pot plant and the words “thoughtfully designed” in the brochure.

I’m not buying his selling point.

I do not want a kitchen where opening the fridge temporarily closes the hallway. I do not want a dining area that requires guests to stand up whenever somebody needs to reach the bathroom. And I certainly do not want to discover that my “second bedroom” is essentially a cupboard.

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Image: Matthew Horncastle says he’s softening his social media tone, but the mansion keys are staying put. (File / @matthewhorncastle / X.com)

Horncastle also says he is trying to be more mellow on social media, and I support that journey wholeheartedly.

Mellow will probably come in handy when I explain that there is absolutely no chance I am handing over the mansion keys for a designer cube with excellent insulation.

By all means, build the measly boxes. Sell the boxes. Photograph them from flattering angles and put an impossibly tiny sofa in the lounge to make everything look enormous.

People need homes, and compact housing clearly has its place. But that place is not replacing my mansion.

If Horncastle genuinely wants my business, he will need to think bigger.

Perhaps a wine cellar, several unnecessary bathrooms and enough land that checking the mailbox becomes a scheduled expedition.

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